Recently I asked Sobersistas if they wanted to write a blog for the website. I received this message from T and whilst she didn’t write this with the intention of making it a blog I asked her permission to share it with you because I think you will find it really helpful.
Hi Jules – how liberating is changing your life??!! Thank you so much for your support. I have just started to announce leaving work and feel good about it. Your words keep repeating in my head, change doesn’t have to be scary. It’s also a little bit fun and exciting.
I went to see Rocketman this week. I loved it but it made me feel so vulnerable so I wrote it down. It’s not really about my own reasons for staying away from alcohol but more a comment on the journey. Many thanks. Have a gorgeous weekend. xxx
Warning – Possible spoilers if you’re going to see Rocketman. (and a bit of swearing)
I watched Rocketman last night. I want to say I loved it, I did love it. But…. but by god I felt like I was watching scenes from my own life. Raw and uncut. In giant-sized proportions. Right in front of my FACE.
Of course, I’m not a global musical phenomenon and I don’t exactly have, or will ever have, a bank balance even slightly resembling his but on the screen, we were the same.
Both hiding from fear, the fear that we aren’t loveable, aren’t capable, aren’t good enough. Needing a costume to get through. Using alcohol and drugs to manage, to master our demons and survive another soulless, pointless day.
The pool scene. I’ve been there, crushed and broken, the loneliest I’ve ever been and among a crowd of family and friends. The despair. That intense sense of failure. I know that feeling, what’s the phrase? I know it like the palm of my hand, inside out and back to front.
I fidgeted in my seat. The therapy sessions. I knew what was coming and winced inside even before he did. I tried to shrink myself into the red velvet but the even the upmarket Curzon isn’t that accommodating. I’m desperate to be invisible. I’m so exposed.
Then the music blows you away. Brilliant, ballsy, awesome, and Bernie. I want a Bernie.
By watching Elton on stage doing his thing for real, I saw my own successes, my own achievements. Not the same of course but glimpses of my own genius (I say this loosely obviously).
Recovery, acceptance of ourselves, wellbeing, whatever we call it is hard but so freaking worth it. Fuck it’s hard though. I want to be ‘normal’, happy, loved, beautiful and surrounded by people that love me. What the fuck is normal?
I haven’t quite found my “I’m still standing” persona, hell I don’t even like that Elton song. It’s hardly Honky Cat or Yellow Brick Road or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is it? Or Someone Saved My Life Tonight or the legendary A Song for Guy which reminds me of happier times when I wasn’t scared of life, or love. When I still believed I could do anything. Have it all. Ahh fuck it. I can’t. We can’t. Life isn’t like that.
I went to bed fearing my brain would continue to disrupt my fragile stability and challenge me with another sleepless night but, hallelujah I survived, rested and reflective and importantly ready to face another sober day.
I wouldn’t say I got up with a sense of euphoria but I did feel like I could face it. Of course, the day goes from that to completely shit, improves a little, yo-yo’s around a bit and eventually, you can tick the box. Another one squared away.
Life isn’t simple, I don’t particularly like it but without alcohol, it is easier to manage. Thank you Elton. Thank you every one of you for sharing your stories, they help to make some sense of what is the madness in my head. Sobriety is definitely good. Have a wonderful weekend everyone, forgive yourselves and be kind. X
With love, xxx
P.S. If you would like to work with me you can book your FREE Discovery Call here: https://www.sobersistas.co.uk/freedom-one-to-one-support/